Thursday, January 28, 2010…ch…. changes!!!

My life lately is so full of changes. 

First, Callie turns 7.  This doesn’t seem like much but it does mean that Griffin is going to turn 5 (soon), which means I will officially be a mom of a 5-, a 7- and an 8-year old.  My baby/toddler/little-one days are drawing to a close after almost 9 years. CHANGE!

I have been up and down for years, emotionally, been through counseling, blah blah blah.  At one point I was diagnosed with dysthemia and, recently a bunch of online friends told me I was severely depressed.  Really?  I just thought this was normal?  That’s how you know you are depressed was their reply.  Well, it is true I hadn’t been sleeping well, or eating right, or enjoying the things I normally do as much – and sometimes I just don’t want to get out of bed…  So, I finally took action and two weeks ago I started taking Seroplex.  This SSRI (gotten quite easily in France by simply asking the doctor) will change my brain chemicals so that, sometime in the next 4-6 weeks, I will begin to feel something… happier, more stable, lose 50 pounds and find the will to exercise regularly????   He also gave me sleeping pills and I am sleeping better than I have since…. maybe….hmm.. before I was pregnant with Zander?  I have never tried anything like this before. Who will I be?   Will I still be me???  CHANGE!

I haven’t worked for monetary rewards for about 9 years now.  As many of you know from previous blogs, we were promised a monthly stipend from the government before we agreed to come to France.  It seems, however that I had the wrong type of carte de sejour (kind of like green card) to be eligible for the benefits. This week was our chance to renew my carte and fix that error.  Except for the fact that the employee of the prefecture won’t renew a damn thing differently unless I have a contract for work. (The fact that I wasn’t allowed to even look for work under my old carte doesn’t seem to matter a bit).  So, even though my advisors keep telling me over and over that my French simply isn’t good enough for me to find a job, this week I sent out blind resumes to 3 institutions that teach English – and I already have 2 interviews. One tomorrow and one next Wednes

day.  Have I mentioned I haven’t interviewed for a position in about 13 years?  CHANGE!

My family is changing.  My sister had a baby.  My mom is sick.  My nieces are growing.  I am turning 34 next week. The kids of my close friends (who are like my family as well) are being born and growing but I can’t help or be there.  And how about how

everything is going to hell in a handbasket for American politics?  Lately we’ve got the health care debacle, troop increases in Afghanistan, Ted Kennedy’s replacement, the psychotic Supreme Court ruling, pro-life ads allowed during Super Bowl time – what is going on??  OK, I admit this one is a long running theme of my life in far away France – but quite a few things have happened that are extra heavy lately so I still say I can call CHANGE!

I feel like I am trying to walk across quicksand as of late.  My life has lost stability – and so have my emotions. Is this the drugs kicking in?  Am I just able to have more energy and do all this extra stuff because I am sleeping at night or my chemicals are more in alignment?   Can someone please slow this whole changing stuff down a slight bit?

Finally, there is the recognition that people are reading my blog more.  2 weeks running I’ve got higher statistics – I’ve got readers coming on and staying for an average of 7 or more minutes – in internet world that’s an eternity. I want to keep them all suitably entertained but in the end I am just me and this blog just is what it is.  I guess at least I can take some comfort that, at the very least, this is not a CHANGE!.


Adeline said...

Wow, that sounds like introspection! I won’t comment here…a state of mind is a state of mind! And just writing about it sometimes help figuring out what’s the problem. I’m sure your interviews will turn out good. I’ve tried to find a job with them, but since I’m not a native they didn’t even reply! I’ll keep my fingers crossed anyways….and what about that bday coming: when is that??? We’ll have to celebrate that on Friday if the snow doesn’t stop us again! Stupid snow!!!

Marie said...

I can imagine what you're living in France...But we're going to spend time together so soon.
Fingers crossed for the job,. Here they say (auf Deutsch) Daumen versteckt ! what's meaning : Inch hidden. Why not?


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